Your opinion on a relationship question...

[Matt Schumann]

i know this is a strongman forum and please excuse me for going way off the subject. (please dont rip me too)

I need an outside point of view. Last night I was looking through my fiance's phone because i needed to find a text message that i sent her the other day with the address of a website i needed. I find these messages to a friend saying that she applied for a summer job from June 1st-early Sept in Virginia.

AFter she noticed that i had seen it, she said "oh yeah i applied for this in Virginia and its june 1st-early september." and that was it

I didnt say anything but I thought it was kind of messed up not to talk about it first to see how i might feel about that? I mean, its a quarter of the yearthat she may be gone. Im not saying anything like i want to be a controlling person but when your engaged to someone dont you think you should maybe sit down with them and atleast talk?

Dont get the wrong idea, we have a great relationship and we hardly ever fight, disagree sometimes but thats it and im not a controling person but am i right to feel this way? I mean it probaly wont end up happening but its just the fact. I know if i was interested in doing something very far away for a extended period of time i would like to know how she felt.

Again i know its a strongman forum, please dont rip me!

[Billy Wolt]

i think that's a great question.

(sorry couldn't help myself...you asked for an opinion on a question :) )

[lhprop1]

Not to sound like a dink, but this is totally the wrong place to bring it up. You don't need to talk to us about it, you need to talk to her about it.

[Ian Duggan]

Can't give any specific advice really, but yeah, I don't think it's unreasonalbe for you to expect her to mention stuff like that to you either when she's thinking about it or when she actually applied for it.

The question that springs to mind here is if you hadn't read it on her phone, when would you have found out?

You seem to be happy with your relationship, but that's a very odd thing to consider without mentioning it to you at least in passing, in a "hey, I was think of doing..." kind of way. Heck, if one of my friends was doing something that major and hadn't mentioned it in passing I'd be quite surprised.

Having said that... reading other peoples messages / email / mail / whatever is almost ALWAYS a bad idea. I know in this instance you were looking through her phone with good intentions, but I've lost count of how often I've heard stories that start with "so I was just looking through my g/f's phone and..."

EDIT: Oh yeah, and second what Ben said. And to clarify, I mean you should talk to her, but also that you should talk about it on here if you want. Phew...

[Steve Krivoshik]

I agree with what everyone said about talkin to her about it. But sheesh....mental health is an important part of physical health and achieving your strong man goals....I see no problem bringing it up here.

[Matt Schumann]

i know it probaly snt the best place to bring it up. I pick and choose my battles with her wisely, cuz most likely i wont win :) Just figured i'd get a very outside point of view sorry :)


that was pretty funny billy lol

[Ryan Brown]

I know personally I would have expected the my fiance would discuss something like that with me before hand given that it would impact the relationship

[Nicolette L.]

Matt-
I am sure there are other personality factors that come into play here. I do not know you or her so I can only go off of what you have posted. I must say that in a mutually respectful relationship it is nice to get the opinion of a significant other. Lot's of things could come into play on why she would not tell you (PM me and we will discuss this further). Regardless of the reasons for not asking your opinion she could have told you about it. You are not being out of line at all. So I completely understand why you must feel uncomfortable realizing

[Paul_Koskinen]

When you do talk it over with her keep an open mind. Speculations or accusations don't help any situation. Perhaps she is looking at your relationship from a different perspective than yourself.

(please dont rip me either)

[Nicolette L.]

When you do talk it over with her keep an open mind. Speculations or accusations don't help any situation. Perhaps she is looking at your relationship from a different perspective than yourself.

(please dont rip me either)

I completely agree with him. Staying calm, not raising your voice, and really listening to her and thinking before you react will take you far.

[Kevin Cronin]

I completely agree with him. Staying calm, not raising your voice, and really listening to her and thinking before you react will take you far.

Right, this doesnt seem like the kind of thing that would warrant a big argument (yet.) I'm gonna agree with everyone else and say that it's completely reasonable for you to feel confused and a bit hurt.

My only advice is that when you bring this up you make sure to make "me/I" statements rather than "you" statements (ie, this is how I feel, this is why I feel this way - since thats the only thing of which you can be certain - without accusatory "YOU should've told me) and make clear that it wasn't a question of she shouldve asked your permission but rather that she shouldve informed you and seen how you felt about that.

It definitely needs to be addressed, and honestly, it seems a bit strange. Maybe it's really something as simple as she thought your relationship was secure enough, and this was a measly 12 weeks, which is nothing compared to all the years you will be spending together, and she could come home every weekend etc etc ... but honestly, not to have even mentioned it :confused: strange, very strange.

EDIT to add: oh yeah, and I dont think theres anything inappropriate about putting this here. This place is an online community, and that will oft involve non-weightlifting matter. Since we dont have an off-topic forum, seems perfectly reasonable to me.

[davebeers]

it might just be me but i think some yelling might be in order.......being all calm and sensitive will make it seem that this kind of behavior will be tolerated. Make a fuss, let her know that this isn't about what's best for her anymore but about what's best for "us"
Every woman says that they want a sensitive guy but they always want one that won't be walked on. To not tell you is one thing but when it does come up she didn't even explain herself??? I don't know her but it sounds like a lack of respect
Don't let anyone on here talk you into how to feel because only you know her and the type of relationship that you have together. If it was me i'd be mad and she'd have some explaining to do.

[Jay O'Neill]

No Trust... NO Loyalty... No RELATIONSHIP...

[Alan Benninga]

There really isn't anything to talk to her about.

You caught a glimpse of her character that you weren't supposed to.

[Ryan Wells]

No Trust... NO Loyalty... No RELATIONSHIP...
Damn right!

I'm 34 and on my second marriage. I had some real trust issues with the first one. I'm not saying that this is true with your situation, but I would find crap like that with my first wife(emails, phone numbers, etc.) and it escalated. The difference between her and my current wife is night and day. The big difference? For us, trust is built and strengthened through open/healthy lines of communication. Also, respect for one another is built through being sensitive to each other's feelings and treating them how you expect to be treated. (knock on wood) Those two ingredients have helped us a lot over the last 7 years.

No one is perfect though. My only advice would be tell her how that made you feel and let her know what you expect. Just don't have a double standard when you do this. I'm one that believes you have to nip things in the butt.

[Mike Westerling]

Big Matt,
Maybe she didn't want to bring it up until she knew for sure its a possiblility. Maybe she was afraid of how you would feel about her even thinking of a move. Maybe she would have turned it down asap if you said you where against it. Theres a good chance that she is just trying to keep your feelings from getting needlessly hurt. What if she had told you and you were like "I cant beleive you would consider doing this to us..blah...blah" and then she says "okay forget it" BUT you always have it in the back of your mind that she is going to leave. Then, she doesn't even get offered the job so now she's ruined your relationship for nothing. However, if she waits until it's a certainty then at least its a real issue to discuss. I agree with those that have said talk to her about it. I have been married now for 8 years and have an awesome relationship in which we both trust each other completely and I personally would wait until I was sure I was actually offered the job before bringing it up with my wife. Bottom line: in my opinion, either you trust that she is an honest person and you believe whatever she tells you without question or she's not and you get rid of her asap.
-Mike

[Callie Marunde]

maybe it went down like this

internet surfing
see job
apply for job
juggling lots of balls and forgets to tell u


If there is a reason you do not trust her then it may have happened differnetly. But if you two are in a good relationship there is no reason not to trust her.

Callie

[Mike Landrich]

Matt
I see 2 issues that need to be addressed.

1. Your feeling that she may not be abled to be trusted, although until you talk to her, you won't know what her intentions were. You need to talk to her about it.

2. If you sent the text message, why couldn't you check your phone's sent messages for the info you needed? Or ask her for the info? She may see your actions as checking up on her. I've been married 14 years and still don't go into my wife's purse, phone, e-mail, etc without her prior knowledge. Nor does she go into my things. Neither of us has ever said no to the other, but it shows respect to ask.

This isn't meant to be disrespectful to you, but your actions could easily be misconstrued also, which is why you need to talk to one another.

Mike

[Jim Harbourne]

There may be more to this. Why did you look through her text messages? Regardless of what you found out, that gives the impression to me you check up on her. Total invasion of privacy and maybe she is looking for some space? Maybe your are trying to control her and not realize it. Or at least she feels that way. JMHO.

[Jay O'Neill]

Wake up and smell the coffee.... she applies for job somewhere else... she thinks about it long enough to text a friend... but doesn't even confide in you about a life and relationship altering decision....
Are you asleep? Stop hitting the F@#$ing Snooze! You have a Problem here. Take it from me.. I have made every mistake a Middle aged man can make...

[Easton Taylor]

I agree with Jay completely. Also we are a different type of people. We understand commitment and other things in a different realm then most ppl that don't do our sport. Topics like this should be brought up. We are a community and things like this are a part of that community. It is nice to know we have a place were others can help us out.

There is something underlying, and I would expect the my fiance or serious girlfriend (I don't have either) to tell me something that is going to change the dynamics of the relationship. Not controlling, but basically WTF is going on?

[Steve Krivoshik]

I agree with Jay completely. Also we are a different type of people. We understand commitment and other things in a different realm then most ppl that don't do our sport. Topics like this should be brought up. We are a community and things like this are a part of that community. It is nice to know we have a place were others can help us out.

There is something underlying, and I would expect the my fiance or serious girlfriend (I don't have either) to tell me something that is going to changes the dynamics of the relationship. Not controlling, but basically WTF is going on?


Between Easton and Jay I think we've nailed down my perspective. Now just talk to her and see what her reason even is.

[Kevin Cronin]

Mike Westerling brings up a good point as well.

it might just be me but i think some yelling might be in order.......being all calm and sensitive will make it seem that this kind of behavior will be tolerated. Make a fuss, let her know that this isn't about what's best for her anymore but about what's best for "us"
Every woman says that they want a sensitive guy but they always want one that won't be walked on. To not tell you is one thing but when it does come up she didn't even explain herself??? I don't know her but it sounds like a lack of respect
Don't let anyone on here talk you into how to feel because only you know her and the type of relationship that you have together. If it was me i'd be mad and she'd have some explaining to do.

I think this is a valuable counterpoint to what I said.

Personally, i've found I have better results in pretty much ANY human interaction when I'm not all freaked out and yelling - and we've all been there before. I think a good balance between dave's and my advice can be walked, between not yelling, but not getting walked all over either.

One last thought to ummm, counter Dave's counterpoint :) as ryan said, open communication lines are key to a healthy relationship. And she closed off that communication line, no doubt about it, and for a not-very-good reason either. But I dont think that yelling about it will re-open taht communication line. When i start screaming I'm not so much discussing something with another person as I am waiting for my turn to speak (yell) or more likely, just talking right over them. She might not be willing to discuss it with you if you are calm and rational, but she almost CERTAINLY wont discuss it if you push her into putting up her defenses. And really, hteres nothing to argue about, you're telling her that you think that since the two of you are engaged, you ought to know about where she's planning to live for months at a time, what big things are going on in her life (internships, etc.) Now if SHE wants to argue that, let her. It's easier said than done, but I dont think I would even bother arguing with her, I'd let her know that she had clearly already made a decision that she didnt want to be with you

And matt, normally I'd say this is none of my business, but since you put it out here on the forum I'll go ahead and ask. Every phone I've had saves outgoing text messages as well as incoming. Why didnt you check your own phone for that website? Is there anything you havent told us?

[Chris Hickson]

you have over 250 threads wow!

[Jonathan Macfarlane]

I'd ask her to explain her reasons for doing what she did, nicely of course. She may have had good motives, but one can't be sure.

Her face will tell you the truth.

[Jay O'Neill]

you have over 250 threads wow!

R U serious? I think he is addicted.

[Ryan Bakke]

Maybe it's just me, but I think a solid backhand is in order here. The backhand should be done so much out of your anger, but more so out of an effort discipline and in a desire to show your disappointment in her poor choices. However, I feel you may have missed your opportunity for the backhand to be as effective as it could be. Similar to training a domestic pet, righting the wrong doing as soon as it happens is the most effective approach to conditioning the response you desire. For instance, rubbing a dog’s nose in its urine hours after it urinated on your floor basically just confuses the dog. However, if you catch the dog in mid stream and deliver a reasonable and necessary amount of physical force, chances are your dog will be house-broken rather quickly. The same can be applied to the "house breaking" of your beloved fiancé.

Good luck to you and keep us posted on how this all turns out

May your backbone remain steadfast,

Ryan

[Mike Martello]

Well, I can understand where you’re coming from. I would be deeply upset; because this isn’t a small issue. It’s most definitely NOT an “oh yeah, by the way” kind of occurrence; her going to VA to work. I don’t know her but if I were you I would feel like my feelings were pretty disregarded by the “oh yeah” way it was presented to me as well as the fact that it just wasn’t brought up.

What I think you should first find out is, when she first started to play for the job and when she actually got the job. If it was earlier that day then that kind of makes a difference. But if it were some time before, then really I wouldn’t think it was very cool.

Also, who is the friend she told? Not trying to stir the pot on this one but who is she explaining things to that she isn’t talking to you about? That (assuming because I can really be a stereotypical Sicilian) would get under my skin somewhat.

Really man, I’m not sure how mad you should be rather then upset. There is a difference, ya know? I don’t think getting angry is totally called for.

Sit and talk with her (I’m a huge talker when it comes to someone I’m in a relationship with) and explain how you’re feeling and ask her why she didn’t talk to you about it.

See what she has to say then decide if getting POed is the way to go haha.

Also, it’s not a big deal he asked this question here. We’re all friends or friendly here, and he has every right to ask a question in a venue where anyone feels comfortable asking it. I think it’s great he considered people on this forum in such a way and I appreciate it.

Life isn’t exactly always about the depth of your squat, ya know? LoL

[Mike Martello]

I always love your posts lol
I'm with Jay 100% by the way.
Wake up and smell the coffee.... she applies for job somewhere else... she thinks about it long enough to text a friend... but doesn't even confide in you about a life and relationship altering decision....
Are you asleep? Stop hitting the F@#$ing Snooze! You have a Problem here. Take it from me.. I have made every mistake a Middle aged man can make...

[Paul_Koskinen]

O.K., Upon reading the collective wisdom of those who posted here I change my answer.

- Yell at her
- Insult her like there's no tomorrow
- Throw anything that's her right out the window
- Kick her our the door

Yup, sounds fair and rational. Just when I thought I was being singled out for bad answers.

:YT:

[Derek Williams]

I think the best thing to do is ask yourself if you would have done the same to a person you really love. Would you make plans to move away for months at a time from her without telling her? From what it sounds like, of course not. Why? Because you are honest and you love her. If anyone else was honest and in love they would not do it to their significant other either. Unfortunately, from the sound of it, it sounds to me like she is not honest or in love, and is probably just too chicken to break up with you, but is using this as an easier and less painful way out. I have had my share of relationships and relationship problems. And from what I have experienced, the ones who love you want to be with you all the time. Any time a woman asks for "time apart", says you are moving "too fast", or moves away out of her own free will (and not by force or necessity such as being called into military service, or a minor moving away with her family, etc) that means there is something seriously wrong. I have never seen any relationship get back together after "time apart" or "slowing things down". You are either growing closer together or growing apart. This sounds like a very clear signal to me that you are growing apart, at least from her perspective.

I think that if she really loved you she either wouldn't have done it, or she would have at the very least discussed it with you first. And it should have been a tremendous, once in a lifetime opportunity for her to even consider it. Is this internship really that spectacular? That's just my take on it.

I would have a talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel. I would not yell or get nasty because then she will just shut down and not talk. The silent treatment is worse than yelling and screaming. I would just talk to her calmly and rationally and ask her what is going on and why she would do something like this behind your back. If she says that it's her life and she doesn't have to ask your permission, etc., or in any way gives you that "independent woman that can do whatever she wants" routine, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!! Trust me, you do NOT want to be married to a woman like this.

I am on my second marriage, the first one ending in disaster. I can tell you from experience, any fault that she has now will be amplified 100x as soon as you say "I do." If she is this thoughtless and inconsiderate of you now, just think how bad it will be after you get married. Lying in bed wondering where she is at night (or even who she is with)when she is supposedly out on a late business meeting or dinner that she wouldn't take you to, or even a weekend long business trip is not a fun place to be. If she is doing this now, can you trust her with not cheating on you after marriage? Can you trust her to not empty out the bank account and run off with some dude she met over the internet? Worse yet, if you have kids you could get stuck with paying child support until they graduate from college. (I have friends in this situation now.) Not worth it, my man. I would have a talk with her and most likely end it. Take your losses and get out. Better to be a little hurt now than devastated emotionally AND financially later.

I would have to agree with what Jay said earlier: No trust, no relationship.

[mike pulcinella]

I'm sorry to say that in my experience (I'm 46 years old, once divorced and have a 16 year old daughter) that at the point she began thinking about it she would have told you if the relationship was important to her. Certainly before setting it up, she should have told you. The relationship is not as importnat to her as it is to you or she's just a very thoughtless person. Either way, it doesn't necessarily mean it's "the end", but it is a very bad sign.

Sorry buddy. I've been on both sides of that kind of thing in my life.

[Matt Schumann]

I did talk with her the other day... well, i was at work the day i wrote this and i couldnt help but to jump the gun and call her about it. Of course she was very defensive right off the bat and screamed at me... granted i didnt say anything to warrant this, i actually was trying to be cool about it and just explain how i felt. However we did end up going out to eat that night and we did have a little bit more of a nicer conversation about it.


We didnt really change our opinions but we are atleast on good terms. Im pretty much pretending that im not as bothered as i am. Im sure she knows im bothered but im making it so that its not a issue at the moment. Im going to wait on it until she actually sends in her application and if she does indeed get it. In the mean time im hope'n she gives me the application to mail for her :EL: ......

The whole disrespect and hurtful stuff still bothers me alot. She was very cold about it and i think she knows that just wont admit it. SHe probaly does feel bad and resents me for it.... .But at the same time we are a extremely young couple. Im 22 and shes 20. We are both extrmemly mature for our ages and both are very smart about the plan we have for our future together. We want to establish ourselves before we actually get married because we dont want to struggle. However like i said, I understand we are extremly young and even though we are extremely mature for our ages we still have young tendancies (sp?) especially in her case sometimes..... And for us to make it together, i need to understand that and suck it up cause i want this to work. Atleast suck it up at the moment lol . . why let something like this ruin the greatest thing in my life? However if she does indeed get this job and actually deside to go, it will probaly spark up some of the original feelings ( true feelings) that i have about the way she has gone about it.....

If all else fails i'll write the president and request that he bombs VA hehe of course im kidding :)

Does suck having this hang over our heads though, i dont ever really yell or get really upset at her.... The only way i deal with bad things is through training. Bad thing is i hurt my knee and cant train the way i would wanna!

THanks for everyones opinions.... And im glad it was generally ok to ask. I have alot of respect for everyone on this board and I know everone has different experiences/opinions and i respect everyones opinions. thanks

[Steve Krivoshik]

Man that sucks. I still think she should have told you or owes you a MUCH better explanation.

Don't wanna say this but your saying she's the greatest thing right now.....maybe you're finding out early about how she really is......but I don't know enough about your relationship to honestly say anything.

[Matthew White]

Yeah Matt, I feel you, I'm a geo bachelor myself because I can't hold down a relationship while going away all that time. They always break. Its young to have to be apart, as you get older having each other there all the time becomes less of a necessity. But yeah, I disagree that this is the wrong place to talk about it, I think it just the exact place to go, we are here for your morale support, because if something is this rough on you, it will affect you in training. Best to get it all out to her. Not to tell you how to live your life, but the number one thing you need in any relationship personal or professional, is communication, if you don't communicate what you think with her, it is bound to fail, period. I hope this helps you clear it up with her.

[Mike Landrich]

Matt
Trust us old guys who've gone through this stuff, more times than we'd care to admit in most cases. I went through a few "best things" before I met my wife. When emotion is involved you lose perspective. From my perspective, outside looking in, you two have a somewhat chaotice, out of control relationship, which should probably end. You don't see it that way, because of the emotions involved. 20 and 22 are very young ages to be talking marriage. Yeah I know a lot of people who have done it successfully, but I know more who have failed. When you meet the girl who makes you happy, and with whom you don't have these type of issues, marry her. These issues are warning signs. Heed them.
Mike

[Ryan Duncan]

Matt
I see 2 issues that need to be addressed.

1. Your feeling that she may not be abled to be trusted, although until you talk to her, you won't know what her intentions were. You need to talk to her about it.

2. If you sent the text message, why couldn't you check your phone's sent messages for the info you needed? Or ask her for the info? She may see your actions as checking up on her. I've been married 14 years and still don't go into my wife's purse, phone, e-mail, etc without her prior knowledge. Nor does she go into my things. Neither of us has ever said no to the other, but it shows respect to ask.

This isn't meant to be disrespectful to you, but your actions could easily be misconstrued also, which is why you need to talk to one another.

Mike

This is the wisest advice on the thread. If there is a trust issue at play, it has to do with both of you. Maybe she should have brought it up, but you violated her privacy by going into her phone. How would you feel if she was going through your computer? Maybe it was an honest mistake, but you were the one who cast the dice.

So she applied for a job. Maybe she did it just out of curiosity or to see if she would be qualified for a similar job at home. Maybe she was waiting to see if she actually got the job first. People do things for a variety of different reasons.

Even within the context of a committed relationship, people are still individuals, and their personal space and privacy needs to be respected.